• ‘Ye gets to work 13 minutes early—but doesn’t actually make it into the office until 9:20 after he’s informed that Intern Valet Parking doesn’t exist.
• ‘Ye’s new boss asks him to go out for coffee. Surprisingly, Kanye agrees and returns 10 minutes later with the order perfectly executed, including change and receipt.
• ‘Ye sends out his first company-wide, subject-only email: “HOW FUCKING HOT WAS THAT COFFEE???!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
• Kanye given his first warning for surfing black on blonde porn at work.
• Kanye asked to copy and collate a 5-page memo entitled “New Corporate Travel/Expense Procedures” for his boss’ assistant.
• Kanye satisfactorily finishes assignment (after 15-minute break to send Don C out to pick up Louis Vuitton Band-Aids for his paper cut).
• Kanye sends out second company-wide, subject-only email: “THANK YOU EVERYBODY FOR MAKING MY FIRST COPYING ASSIGNMENT NUMBER ONE IN THIS COMPANY’S HISTORY, EVER!!!! I SENT A COPY OF MY COPIES TO MY BOY FROM THE A AND HE SAYS THE STAPLES ARE PERFECT!!! THIS IS A COPYING AND STAPLING JOB NOBODY CAN FRONT ON!!! I’VE BEEN HEARING THAT STREET *****S THAT HAD CONVERTED TO ELECTRONIC CORRESPONDENCE ONLY ARE GOING BACK TO PAPER ON THE STRENGTH OF MY JOB! IT REMINDS ME OF MY FIRST ASSIGNMENT WHEN EVERYBODY SAID I COULDN’T GET THE COFFEE ORDER RIGHT!!! ME AND THE CANON IMAGEPRESS C1 ARE GONE CHANGE THE DOCUMENT REPRODUCTION GAME FOREVER!!!
• Kanye called into the boss’ office for “brief chat” about company email protocol.
• Kanye asked to compile a dossier of “recent fashion-forward looks.”
• Kanye completes assignment.
• ‘Ye asked to compile a dossier of “recent fashion-forward looks, not including pictures of yourself or Pharrell.”
• ‘Ye given second and final warning for surfing black on blonde porn at work.
• The rest of the office returns from lunch to discover that the celebrity intern has replaced every desk chair with Rocking Green Chickens.
• Kanye called into boss’ office for “brief refresher” on the company’s sexual harassment guidelines after putting a “picture of questionable appropriateness” on the desk of fellow first-day intern Olga.
• While cleaning out the supply closet, ‘Ye chastised by office manager for playing his Pong watch.
• Kanye asked to schedule a meeting for the next day between his boss and the company CFO.
• Kanye called into boss’ office for “brief course” on proper intra-office email salutations after addressing the CFO as “BIG BROTHER” in his scheduling email. “Caps Lock” function removed from ‘Ye’s computer.
• Kanye fired for watching black on blonde porn.
• Kanye buys company, installing Nigo and Takashi Murakami as co-CEOs, Don C as chief of photography, Sia Furler elevator music czar and Lexington Steele head of the office of sexual harassment compliance.
• Kanye releases first press release as company boss, announcing the new line will “TOTALLY HAVE STUFF IN STORES BY NOVEMBER!!”